.

It is magical, every day feels special. 

It’s a feeling I won’t trade for nothing and I didn’t. Every day is a new adventure with thrills we are waiting to unfold together hand in hand. 
You are a companion to me my best friend, there is nothing that I am that you don’t already know. 
You know what I’m going to do next or what I’m going to say next like my own person. You know what to do when you see a yellow car or when my lighter is out of clicks.
Sometimes compatibility is hard, who knows that better than us. But something is keeping us going, day after day, night after night. Even after a night full of sheets covered in tears comes a morning with a good morning text.
 It’s complicated, sometimes we don’t know how to feel or what we feel. We try to put our feelings into words but I think that’s where we are going wrong. We try to put into words why we are still here or why we are still hanging in there but all we have to do is merely close our eyes and feel the rush of compassion guide us to the next tomorrow. 

Let’s celebrate

They were suddenly moving in unison forward backward, forward backward. And their heart rates began to sync. He lay her naked body on the bed softly and placed her legs over his thighs and caressed her body. She shut her eyes and let her body enjoy the drive, she could slowly feel every nerve, every knot in her body slowly loosen.

And all of a sudden she felt it. In between her legs in the core of her body, for the first time in her life. She felt her body opening up she felt everything slowly unravel and she welcomed him. And boy it was a royal welcome. He could feel her close in slowly around him as he pushed further, exploring paths he had never seen before. The feeling was taking over his soul and the neighbours could sure as hell hear it.
She realised it was as big a deal for him as it was for her, and she couldn’t bear to see him do all the work, so she scurried up. And made enough room for him to rest his back opposite her and let his muscles loose. 
She then took matters into her own hands and took control of the situation breathing heavily. And suddenly she felt it, a pain so intense it could only rightly be termed as pleasure. He felt his soul slowly escaping all over the sheets and over her goddess like body as they both sighed.
And suddenly all the movement stopped and dead silence grew in. The sheets shuffled a little as he made his way over to her end of the bed. Slowly slid his arm under her neck, kissed the back of her shoulder and said, “I think it’s time to celebrate!”

Maybe it really was me, maybe I pushed too hard but isn’t that the point. The last few days have been heavenly but how much longer could we pretend?
Pretend the problems aren’t there.
Pretend we’re different people.
Pretend we haven’t lost faith in each other.
Pretend tomorrow is brighter.
Reality had to hit us sooner. In the kisses I felt the longing in the hugs I felt the pain but life had different plans. I won’t diss you or bad mouth. Life has taught me differently. I’ve learnt to appreciate whatever I had and be thankful I was lucky enough to be part of the experience.
Another thing I won’t do, is lie. Because I don’t see a reason to keep you in the dark or keep you from a better opportunity. But seems like you felt differently.

This time il act my age, I’ll be mature like I always promise myself.
I won’t lurk in the shadows in what used to be. I’ve left a part of me with you. That part will always be a little empty but isn’t that what love is about? Giving yourself up.
Surrendering every fiber in your body to another being because you trust them enough to protect you and seeing in their eyes the light to make you whole.

But lucky for you, you will have a clear path now.
I’ve learnt my position. I’ve cried tonight but I won’t tomorrow. Because il be smarter and I’ll realize sometimes I can’t control the way things turn out in the end.

You make me so nervous, if anything I’m restless.

I don’t think you comprehend the way you make me feel when you do certain things. Like when you try so hard on purpose to make me feel a certain way. Or maybe it’s just me that won’t deliberately do something to hurt you or that’s just the kind of person I am. Because on the other end I know how someone feels and I wouldn’t wanna be the one to subject anyone through that kind of pain.

It’s that feeling of your heart falling straight to your stomach. It’s that thought you’ve been trying to deny for the longest time, and you see it coming true. You try to make your mind think otherwise, you fail miserably. You try to get back up everytime you fall lower back to the empty space you didn’t want to be in. Where your left with your thoughts driving you insane. Your digging your nails harder and harder into that part on your skin where you can still feel their touch, the back of your ear, the small of your back, the crevice in your neck. Wanting so badly that the feeling of their touch disappear because all you can see in him is her now.

But you’ll forever be that itch I can’t scratch.

I don’t know who you are anymore, your name sounds foreign. The same guy I stripped to my soul for your sight seems unknown. Your tone is vague and your persona is confusing. It’s another person in your body and its a stranger. I’m glad I walked before trying to get to know this stranger, because I’m pretty sure i wouldn’t like him

The solitude of self.

Take some time off, push everything and everyone off. Break your phone if you have to, enjoy your own company. Contemplate the little and the large takes on life. Understand yourself start enjoying your own company. Think about the things that matter the things that you have to be thankful for and smile a little. Be grateful for what you have. Throw away social contact for a little bit I promise you won’t regret. Light a little candle and watch the little dancing flicker teasing the wick.
Take deep breaths and ever time you inhale take in a little bit of positivity and when you exhale spread a good vibe. Look at the stars and think about the universe about how large it is and all the millions of possibilities life has in store. Explore the unexpected paths and understand that all you need is yourself to be fully truly and completely satisfied.

Life isn’t complicated.

It’s pretty simple infact. Humans are the ones that complicate it.
It’s as simple as you feel like doing something, go out and do it. You love someone go ahead and kiss them. You want to be somewhere, pack your bags and leave. No questions asked.

We have to make the decision everyday. To simplify our lives. To go out and live.
Just do what makes you happy. We are not going to live forever, and neither are the stories of when we woke up and did the shit we were expected to do.
It’s up to us to make memories, it’s up to us to choose to do what makes us happy.
Just breathe, live and let live. If the shoe doesn’t fit, take it off. Don’t force it.
If you are someones reason for pain, let them go. When Someone really needs you they will find you. Patience is the key.

Companionship isn’t vital. Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. Take time off to find yourself. Everyone needs that. And when you can sit down and just be happy with just yourself that’s when you have found the true meaning of being happy.

Your answer.

What did i do? Where did i go wrong? What was my fault? You kept screaming these things at me while I pushed you further and further away. I didn’t understand that time. What you were saying I didn’t understand what I had to say to you.

Today I have your answer. Today I know why.
You never clearly understood me, or the type of person I was. You never truly accepted my flaws. Everything was a competition or a comparison between you and me. But how can you compare two things that aren’t the same?
I am not saying im perfect. Im far from it. But didn’t I warn you in advance.

You have a horrible temper and you cant control your mouth when your angry. You forget the difference between your girlfriend and a whore. And God forbid you’ve left a party. You’d get down to pushing and shoving of need be.
The concept of a couple is that they are supposed to be compatible and opposite like fire and ice. In our case it was fire for fire and you know what that leads to. Disaster.
But that again was not your fault. That’s just the the person you are, can’t blame anyone for that.

I had too many insecurities you never helped me. You got angry and made me feel worse. You never left a reason to make me feel small. You always made me feel like every other girl was better.

I’ve always been used to people taking me over for dinner, but I can’t be seen near your home.
With you evidently it was the opposite, everything was a secret and I was the biggest. Rather than making me feel secure about your people you choose to keep me out of the picture. I don’t blame you. Family I understand but friends? You constantly treated me like as embarrassment. Where as with me there wasn’t a part of my family and friends you hadn’t met.
Come to think of it. You did the right thing. Im going to look like a real fool explaining the break up to them.

You never truly understood my need for control you found it over powering. Everything had to fit the bill you never realised a person like me never lived by the bill.

You claimed me of being materialistic when I’m he kind of person that splits a cab fare.
You yelled, and when I told you it was scaring me you yelled louder.
I consider myself a very strong person, and if it shakes me I’d say it hit me hard.
You accused me of things I wouldn’t imagine doing even though the chances were a breath away. I stayed faithful and gave my 100% wether you thought so or not.
But instead you compared me to your friend who “makes cards” for her boyfriend.

These are few of the things that have been making rounds in my mind.
Again I’m saying. I’m not saying I’m perfect I’m filled to the brim with flaws.
But if I can’t find someone who can work through them and love me I spite of everything. I’m okay being the crazy cat lady.

It’s only a matter of time till I’m gone.

Hey look good news. You won’t have to pay for my shit anymore or waste money on my education. You won’t have to worry when I get home late or when I’m in the wrong company. It’s only a matter of time. It’s close enough to see you can start crossing dates on the calender.

It’s only a matter of a little time you will be peacefully by yourself living alone in your two bedroom flat more than happy with your monthly pension and simple hassle free life style. No one to extensively waste your hard days earnings. Or make you feel incompetent.

Think of me as married in my husbands house washing my mother in laws underwear and you can sleep peacefully at night. Married at the age of 16 with no idea of what the world outside my building looks like after sundown and you can have a crease free forehead. Because isn’t that what you really want?
Isn’t that what you think is in my best interest. But I mean you know what’s best for me right? And you have seen so much more of this life than I have. What do I know. I’m just doing what I’ve been told.

I have no sense of a personality or an opinion. I mean how dare I?
Everyone’s born the same. Everyone is supposed to live the same life. And then everyone dies unhappy.
It’s almost a crime to think otherwise?

P.s. Please excuse this horribly put together piece. There was the world on my back and I couldn’t stop crying till I put this down.
There are a lot of ideas that I had to put across so they might seem like gibberish above.