You make me so nervous, if anything I’m restless.

I don’t think you comprehend the way you make me feel when you do certain things. Like when you try so hard on purpose to make me feel a certain way. Or maybe it’s just me that won’t deliberately do something to hurt you or that’s just the kind of person I am. Because on the other end I know how someone feels and I wouldn’t wanna be the one to subject anyone through that kind of pain.

It’s that feeling of your heart falling straight to your stomach. It’s that thought you’ve been trying to deny for the longest time, and you see it coming true. You try to make your mind think otherwise, you fail miserably. You try to get back up everytime you fall lower back to the empty space you didn’t want to be in. Where your left with your thoughts driving you insane. Your digging your nails harder and harder into that part on your skin where you can still feel their touch, the back of your ear, the small of your back, the crevice in your neck. Wanting so badly that the feeling of their touch disappear because all you can see in him is her now.

But you’ll forever be that itch I can’t scratch.

The solitude of self.

Take some time off, push everything and everyone off. Break your phone if you have to, enjoy your own company. Contemplate the little and the large takes on life. Understand yourself start enjoying your own company. Think about the things that matter the things that you have to be thankful for and smile a little. Be grateful for what you have. Throw away social contact for a little bit I promise you won’t regret. Light a little candle and watch the little dancing flicker teasing the wick.
Take deep breaths and ever time you inhale take in a little bit of positivity and when you exhale spread a good vibe. Look at the stars and think about the universe about how large it is and all the millions of possibilities life has in store. Explore the unexpected paths and understand that all you need is yourself to be fully truly and completely satisfied.

Life isn’t complicated.

It’s pretty simple infact. Humans are the ones that complicate it.
It’s as simple as you feel like doing something, go out and do it. You love someone go ahead and kiss them. You want to be somewhere, pack your bags and leave. No questions asked.

We have to make the decision everyday. To simplify our lives. To go out and live.
Just do what makes you happy. We are not going to live forever, and neither are the stories of when we woke up and did the shit we were expected to do.
It’s up to us to make memories, it’s up to us to choose to do what makes us happy.
Just breathe, live and let live. If the shoe doesn’t fit, take it off. Don’t force it.
If you are someones reason for pain, let them go. When Someone really needs you they will find you. Patience is the key.

Companionship isn’t vital. Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. Take time off to find yourself. Everyone needs that. And when you can sit down and just be happy with just yourself that’s when you have found the true meaning of being happy.

Your answer.

What did i do? Where did i go wrong? What was my fault? You kept screaming these things at me while I pushed you further and further away. I didn’t understand that time. What you were saying I didn’t understand what I had to say to you.

Today I have your answer. Today I know why.
You never clearly understood me, or the type of person I was. You never truly accepted my flaws. Everything was a competition or a comparison between you and me. But how can you compare two things that aren’t the same?
I am not saying im perfect. Im far from it. But didn’t I warn you in advance.

You have a horrible temper and you cant control your mouth when your angry. You forget the difference between your girlfriend and a whore. And God forbid you’ve left a party. You’d get down to pushing and shoving of need be.
The concept of a couple is that they are supposed to be compatible and opposite like fire and ice. In our case it was fire for fire and you know what that leads to. Disaster.
But that again was not your fault. That’s just the the person you are, can’t blame anyone for that.

I had too many insecurities you never helped me. You got angry and made me feel worse. You never left a reason to make me feel small. You always made me feel like every other girl was better.

I’ve always been used to people taking me over for dinner, but I can’t be seen near your home.
With you evidently it was the opposite, everything was a secret and I was the biggest. Rather than making me feel secure about your people you choose to keep me out of the picture. I don’t blame you. Family I understand but friends? You constantly treated me like as embarrassment. Where as with me there wasn’t a part of my family and friends you hadn’t met.
Come to think of it. You did the right thing. Im going to look like a real fool explaining the break up to them.

You never truly understood my need for control you found it over powering. Everything had to fit the bill you never realised a person like me never lived by the bill.

You claimed me of being materialistic when I’m he kind of person that splits a cab fare.
You yelled, and when I told you it was scaring me you yelled louder.
I consider myself a very strong person, and if it shakes me I’d say it hit me hard.
You accused me of things I wouldn’t imagine doing even though the chances were a breath away. I stayed faithful and gave my 100% wether you thought so or not.
But instead you compared me to your friend who “makes cards” for her boyfriend.

These are few of the things that have been making rounds in my mind.
Again I’m saying. I’m not saying I’m perfect I’m filled to the brim with flaws.
But if I can’t find someone who can work through them and love me I spite of everything. I’m okay being the crazy cat lady.

It’s only a matter of time till I’m gone.

Hey look good news. You won’t have to pay for my shit anymore or waste money on my education. You won’t have to worry when I get home late or when I’m in the wrong company. It’s only a matter of time. It’s close enough to see you can start crossing dates on the calender.

It’s only a matter of a little time you will be peacefully by yourself living alone in your two bedroom flat more than happy with your monthly pension and simple hassle free life style. No one to extensively waste your hard days earnings. Or make you feel incompetent.

Think of me as married in my husbands house washing my mother in laws underwear and you can sleep peacefully at night. Married at the age of 16 with no idea of what the world outside my building looks like after sundown and you can have a crease free forehead. Because isn’t that what you really want?
Isn’t that what you think is in my best interest. But I mean you know what’s best for me right? And you have seen so much more of this life than I have. What do I know. I’m just doing what I’ve been told.

I have no sense of a personality or an opinion. I mean how dare I?
Everyone’s born the same. Everyone is supposed to live the same life. And then everyone dies unhappy.
It’s almost a crime to think otherwise?

P.s. Please excuse this horribly put together piece. There was the world on my back and I couldn’t stop crying till I put this down.
There are a lot of ideas that I had to put across so they might seem like gibberish above.

Perfections in imperfections.

Sometimes we have such high expectations na?
We have this picture of perfect built in front of us, that everything else looks shady.
We think we deserve the best of the best without looking down at ourselves and realizing we’re not even close to perfect.
We want those perfect friends, that gorgeous boyfriend, that incredible future, all the money in the world, the most up to date gadgets, the best clothes and the nicest body. But those perfect friends will eventually stab you in the back, and never do random retarded fun things with you because they are afraid of their public image. That gorgeous boyfriend will turn out to be a total jerk and fuck you over for a hotter chick while you cry on the shoulder of an amazing not so attractive guy who is willing to give up his world for your smile. That incredible future my friend comes with a very high price tag! Which most of us are not willing to work for. Okay money I’m not going to say anything about. I like money okay. A lot. But it apparently makes you greedy and blah. The most up to date gadgets if broken, send your world crashing down on your head, trust me I have a broken iPhone, besides their not worth your peace of mind. Even The best clothes will eventually get out of fashion. But then you can use money and buy new ones :P. and the nicest body, I mean it’s defiantly not worth ignoring that slice of chocolate mousse cake.

What I mean is break through the bounds of perfect. Don’t expect much because when you expect a lot you tend to get disappointed most of the time, and it’s not worth precious moments you could spend being completely insanely happy.
Nothing has to be perfect.
The beauty is in finding perfection in imperfections.

Unicorn.

You were an amazing person. Dealt with all my shit. My worst temper tantrums, My mood swings and my insecurities. And smiled through the roller coaster like the angel you are. Gave me everything I asked for and a lot more. Any person that knows the real you will be able to tell your something else. A super natural being with your patience level.
In any girls words. “The perfect boyfriend”
Who won’t even sip that beer at a party because he is with his girl.
Drop you for tuitions down your road because there are some rowdy boys.
Come to town to surprise you at college only to realise you left early today.
Colour co-ordinate clothes at every party.
Carry a jacket to go out because he knows your dress is going to be flimsy.
Delete that hot chicks number from his phone and Facebook just to avoid another fight.
Walk on the outside of the road during the rains so that the car won’t accidentally splash water on you.
Down a whole glass of vodka so you cant drink anymore because your too drunk.
Buy you that happy meal just to watch you play with the toy.

So many people you just take for granted because their around. And you know they will always be. You never truly realise their worth. I did the same. I took you for granted gave and you the best and most of the times the worst of me. And only with a few hits from the your end. I let it all go.
“I gave up”.
Thinking that something better will come along. Not realising I had the best. I had the time to fix it. But I choose not to. I choose to be left alone and enjoy my long hauled freedom at the cost of his feelings. Only to later realise what I lost.
Now it’s over.
All our experiences turned into fond memories to looks back upon and smile. But I’m glad somewhere deep down a part of you is happy a part of you is free. I know you miss me, so do I but I’m glad we got to be such a beautiful part of each others lives for four and a half years.

And the next time someone tells me “there are plenty of fish in the sea”
Il say nope. He was a freakkin unicorn.

Desperate call.

It’s about time. We accept it.
We are social beings, and cannot live deserted for long. The same relates in the matters of the heart.
After being in a relationship for a stipulated amount of time we want out. Be it the issues or the space.
Only to realize we want in again.
Beneath all the freedom speeches and all the I’m single and ready to mingle stuff comes the hardcore emotion. You express yourself so happy to be single only to realize your actually lonely. This realization only comes after a good amount of time spent alone.
And once your alone you sit by yourself thinking,

What if he was here with me, you miss chilling with him, you miss the long wet kisses, you miss the taste of his tongue, you miss the way you feel when your being hugged, you miss the smile he brings to your face, be it a simple text in the morning or a flower he got you from his garden, you miss walking down the street fingers intertwined, you miss all the cheesy public displays if affection, you miss the long phone conversations, the sunsets, the sneaking in, the cuddling, the childish inside jokes, all the things you find shady when your single your actually missing, more than anything you just miss someone being there. Just the thought of the fact that no matter what. You got someone out there that feels for you. Someone to fall back on. And make you forget how screwed up you are. The fact that someone is always going to be there when you had a bad day and you just want to talk. Something a friend cannot really give you. That extra attention where you feel like your the center of his world. And you don’t really see anything but him.
And that’s one of the main reason most people resort to flings these days. They have a slight feeling of being loved. No matter who it is or at what level. It gives you the feeling of being loved you don’t feel alone or hollow be it one night only.

This miserable feeling comes to me very often. Now a days more than ever. And it hurts how I never thought I would feel this way.
I just feel the desperate need to be held, to be hugged tight as ever, to be kissed all over, to just cuddle, take pictures together, to fall asleep in your arms, to walk holding hands, to be called “mine”.

A desperate need to be in a relationship again.

Were only human.

We expect. Even though we know we shouldn’t we do.

After all the expectations come the obvious let downs. And then the apologies. We know again after all the apologies and the promises were going to get let down but still to keep our hearts at peace we believe. Even though we know we shouldn’t we believe.

You keep pushing and pushing yourself. To some extreme levels until you realize your just fucking with yourself. your just giving someone that doesn’t deserve you, a chance. And mind you not one, not two, not three but an N number of chances which they choose to screw up again and again.But still you choose to go with the wrong. Because sometimes. The wrong just feels so right!

You like the fool you are will expect again after the next promise. And he will fuck up again making you feeling like a complete dumbass. Its only a matter of time till you start to realize what your doing to yourself. And you will eventually let go. And that’s when he will realize what he has lost and will know what he put you through.

And on the other hand you have people who are willing to even give up their body organs. Just to see your face for a day. Just to hold your hand. Just to kiss you again. Just to feel again the amazing feeling that they have been longing for almost a year now. Just to hold you close. But because of the way your being treated you don’t want to make another go through the same especially someone that’s so close to your heart and will always be.

Give yourself some time. Your going to be okay. Your going to get through this. Its not gong to be easy. Your going to cry, your going to hurt, your going to smoke to numb the piercing pain that you feel in your chest, the throbbing feeling every time he calls.

But no one said heartbreak would be easy now did they?

Life and its decisions

Sometimes you let your heart take over your mind! Not sometimes but rather most of the time. And a lot later you realize your mistakes.

Once you realize your mistakes you understand! Because of those mistakes you have lost a lot. A true lover, a close friend, a sister and your self respect. You come to terms with the fact that your a bad person and its almost impossible to forgive yourself. You feel used, broken, lost and exploited. But you know what, That’s the think about life. Your going to see bad days your going to feel absolutely miserable on some your going to get fucked over completely But its all part of the cycle!

Its all a part of growing and becoming a better person. You learn what you felt like when someone hurt you and never want anyone to feel the same way you did. Which indirectly makes you a better person.

But the main part is in realizing what you did. And after that the decision time. This decision is extremely crucial. Its almost like a do or die scene!

You either correct your actions that you realize you messed up. And go back to being happy. Or leave it how it supposed to be WITHOUT REGRETTING. Because that’s going to kill you till the end of time. The “What if’s” Deep inside everyday of your life. Your going to wake up in the morning and realize What if.. Had i done something else? What if had i given him a chance? What if I hadn’t kissed him? What if I hadn’t messed everything up? And because of these questions your going to kill a part of yourself every day.

Don’t think about the practicality of a certain situation. Figure out your feelings and work towards them. Irrespective of what society is going to think or say. They are people. People talk. That’s their job! Your job on the other hand is to do what makes you happy.